there's a reason I'm not a herpetologist

Let me tell you a story.


So, last week we were enjoying some beautiful weather. Time to open some windows and our sliding glass door! It was after lunch and we were playing in the living room and it was getting close to Elliot's nap time. We went back into the kids bedroom for a little bit to transition to nap. I changed Elliot's diaper and put him down to roam a little-- wearing just a diaper. Then I went out into the other room to throw away the dirty diaper and to wash my hands.

I heard Percy the cat playing with more energy and excitement than he has in years (he is 13 years old, after all) and I thought "What toy is he playing with? Hmmm"... So , I peeked around the couch to see what the commotion was and there it was. The biggest lizard EVER playing cat and mouse with Percy and definitely losing. Percy was very excited and I -- well, I screamed. And yelped. And uttered some swear words (sorry, but its true).

At the sound of me screaming, Elliot started crying and both kids came running out of the bedroom to investigate. Meanwhile, Percy was attacking the poor lizard who had a maimed arm but was slithering this way and that and baring his teeth (do lizards have teeth?) to get a nip back at his attacker. I seriously did not know what to do.

I grabbed Percy and locked him in the bedroom so he wouldn't keep attacking the poor lizard. Then I picked up Elliot, who was crying and scared (because for some reason I wouldn't stop making the following sounds: "AAAAAAACK! *?&@* WHAT DO I DO? AAACK! *?&@* WHAT DO I DO? etc.") The poor lizard slithered and limped to a hiding spot under the couch as the following scenarios crossed my mind:

I could

1) run to a neighbors house and ask them to watch the kids while I tried to catch the lizard
2) grab the kids and leave the house and never (I mean NEVER) come back
3) catch the lizard and throw him outside - what would I use? a towel? a shoe box?

None of these were viable options but I decided to go for #3. So there I was with a crying baby on one hip and a pounding heart and a 4 yr. old who was very excited about our visitor while I rummaged in the kitchen for a container big enough to catch the guy. We didn't have one (he was BIG ! I'm not talking a cute little salamander like our last reptilian house guest. I'm talking about this: 12 inches long, and angry -- did I mention the maimed arm and the snapping jaws?) Finally Owen suggested I get a broom and sweep him out. Great idea!

So, with Elliot on my hip and Owen shouting orders from atop his chair, I found myself (heart pumping, sweat streaming from every pore ) pushing the couch away only to see the lizard slither back under the couch. Finally, I managed to move the couch enough and jabbed the poor guy with the broom, yelping all the way ( me, not the lizard). I shoved him out the door and slammed the door shut. Shaking, shaking, shaking all over. I still get jittery just thinking about it. Then, I started to imagine lizard parts all over the living room floor -- did Percy actually tear the lizard's arm off, or just swipe him with his claw, I seriously had not taken the time to inspect the damage -- maybe there were lizard guts and lizard pee all mixed in with the toys that (naturally) were spread everywhere. So I was still just plain creeped out.

Owen: "Mom, just calm down! Stop talking!"

Me: "Good idea, Owen, tell me to take a deep breath."

Owen: "Take a deep breath!"

Me: (Gasping for air) 'Thank you! "

Then I let Percy out of the bedroom and put the kids back there so I could collect all the toys that may or not have been contaminated by lizard. Then I swept and mopped the floor. (I still have a bag of toys to clean that I haven't disinfected yet -- am I weird that way?)

Finally, after the adrenaline stopped flowing and I was able to push the couch back into position, I started to realize just how many bad words I had said in front of Owen (funny how you don't think of that in the moment). So, I sat Owen down.

Me: "Now, Owen, thank you so much for helping Mommy.... I'm sorry I said so many bad words."
Owen: "What bad words?"
Me: "Um, never mind."
Owen: "Which words were the bad words?"
Me: "Oh, um, if you don't remember them then I won't repeat them."
Owen: "Just tell me the words, I'm big enough."
Me: "Uh, not on your life! NEVER MIND!!!!!!! Maybe next time I'll try not to say those things, I was just scared and didn't know what to do."
Owen: "Maybe next time, we should call Daddy."

Then I collapsed on the rocking chair and gave up.

The End.