Achilles Heel

I finally found it. The one thing that helps Elliot comprehend the existence of consequence. I've been holding it hostage all day.

I know you should never get kids to do what you want by bribing them or punishing them (I am 100% behind the positive reinforcement bandwagon). However, positive reinforcement doesn't always work. Elliot could care less if you congratulate him for washing his hands after using the potty. He shrugs off your positive reinforcements when he climbs right into his car seat. Instead he would rather climb in the car, lounging over the front seat to push buttons. He scoffs at our eager positivity when he says please and thank you.

He also spends a lot of his time not listening, not paying attention and not caring about other people, or things -- at all. For instance, every day around 4pm you might find him poking or kicking his big brother while Owen's doing homework --despite repeated requests to stop. You might see him stomping on pill bugs in the garden just to see what will happen; or, stomping his feet and screaming when doesn't get to eat his cereal in the BLUE BOWL, NOT THE WHITE BOWL!!!! And then the next day he wants the WHITE BOWL, NOT THE BLUE BOWL!!!! (Gosh, don't I understand anything)? Or my favorite: after a million questions of "Why?" from the back seat the other day I was stumped and I could only answer "I don't know" and he started yelling at me: "you DO know, you DO know, You DO KNOW!!"

I think that there are two things going on here. One is that our only other experience with 3 year-olds is Owen, who has empathy resonating in the very marrow of his bones. Elliot, however, is not an early adopter of the whole "empathy" thing.

The other thing is that because Elliot is so fiercely independent and feisty, Paul and I have no way of really teaching him about the consequences of his actions. Take away his favorite toy? No problem, he'll just play by himself. Take away his dessert treat? No problem, he'll be fine with dinner. Put him in time out? Okay! Oh, can I stay in longer, Mommy?

Then yesterday he was pushing and shoving and generally not listening and -- in a moment of clarity -- I said "I need you to listen to me or I will take away your fireman costume and you won't be able to play with it anymore."

He stopped.

He stared at me in shock. His eyes welled up and I swear his lower lip quivered. "Why?" he asked me tremulously.....

I felt like I had just won the war.

This morning at the first sign of him ignoring me I said "I'm taking your fireman costume" And I removed it from his closet and put it on my bed. It was my hostage. It stayed there all day, and every time Elliot veered into his non-listening mode, I reminded him that the fireman costume was waiting to go back to his closet. Every time he went into my room today he saw the costume lying there on my bed and would call out "I'm listening, Mom! I'm listening!"

He tried very hard all day to do the right thing.

I found his Achilles heel. VICTORY IS (nearly) MINE!!!!!